Samus herself drops by to review her latest adventure.
Developer: Team Ninja
Publisher: Nintendo
Release Date: August 31, 2010
ESRB Rating: T
[starreview]
With the release of Metroid Other M, Samus Aran has transformed from a mostly silent protagonist, to an angst-filled chatterbox. And so, just as you would with a baby learning to speak for the first time, I’ve decided to allow Ms. Aran an outlet for her newly-found voice: she has courteously agreed to write the review of her latest adventure for NintendoGal.com. Enjoy!
Hello, my name is Samus Aran. I was once one of the most stoic and respectable female video game characters of all time. But in Metroid Other M, Team Ninja has graciously allowed me to share with you my true voice for the first time. Finally, everyone can know just how much I need a strong male presence in my life.
What was that? You thought I was a badass bounty hunter that preferred to work alone? One of the finest examples in gaming that women don’t always need to be the princess in another castle? Well, I suppose now you know the truth. I miss my daddy. And for the love of God, I need to have a baby. That’s right, I’m just as shallow and cliche as about 90% of the other female game characters out there. But I do have a gun on my arm, so surely that counts for something?
The story of my latest adventure continues from the end of Super Metroid. The final actions of the Baby Metroid, despite being an unintelligent blob of goo, still weighs heavily on my mind. I answer a distress signal called a Baby’s Cry (BABIES DEAR GOD I WANT TO HAVE BABIES I WANT TO) that’s being emitted from a mostly derelict space station. Once there, I begin to uncover a conspiracy concerning Metroids and the Galactic Federation… What’s that? This is the exact same plot of Metroid Fusion? But how could that be? This game is in 3D! And it’s not like any of the enemies are repeated from past games… What? They are? Most of the bosses are recycled from my 2D adventures you say? Well, I wouldn’t know. I’m just a dumb blond.
The increased focus on the horrible, horrible story isn’t the only major change to my classic, adventuring formula. I no longer have to explore, I’m always told exactly where to go. And all of my upgrades are shown on the map. Isn’t that convenient? I also no longer have to worry about suit upgrades. I have them all from the start, but I won’t use them unless Daddy – I mean, Adam – tells me I’m allowed to. In fact, I spend quite some time walking around in heat that is slowly killing me, never activating my life-saving Varia suit because Adam didn’t say it was okay yet. I’m a good, obedient girl, aren’t I?
I take orders from Adam (the ONLY man that can call me Lady) for most of the game, but my usual isolation is also intruded on by the token black guy (the ONLY man that can call me Princess), and a bunch of other men (the ONLY guys that can call me Sugar Tits). I sure hope you weren’t expecting an actual Metroid game!
As for the controls, I feel as though they aren’t very good, because they don’t work very well and also aren’t very good (did I mention I tend to over-explain everything?). Instead of using the Nunchuk controller, my latest adventure is controlled using only the wiimote on its side, like a classic NES controller. At times, I can enter first-person mode by aiming at the screen. This is the only way I can fire missiles, but just like the bimbo that can’t chew gum and walk at the same time, I tend to forget how to move when I’m looking through my helmet. In fact I don’t move. Ever. I find it’s much easier to just stand there and let a monster rape my face while I’m aiming than to bother taking a step to the side.
But give a girl a break! I have a lot on my mind (BABIES). Speaking of my mind, I just found out this adventure that I can refill my missiles just by standing still and thinking really hard! Isn’t that cool? No? Daddy thinks it is! Maybe. Hey, maybe sounds like baby! Have I mentioned I want a baby?
What’s that? Are there any positive aspects to my newest adventure at all? Well, the graphics are pretty fantastic. And by the end of the game when I have all my power-ups, it can be mildly fun to run around, trying to get 100% completion. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.
Can I take a break for a second and tell you something? Confession time! Oh my God that Ridley guy is so scary! Like, I know I’ve killed him about six times already up to this point in my adventures, but when I saw him this time I totally wet my suit! Talk about ugly! He’s not nearly as handsome as my daddy. Thumbs down, am I right? Ha!
Anyway, I’m getting a bad vibe from the guy who asked me to write this, so I’m probably just gonna ttyl. Final thoughts? Hmm… I suppose even I have to admit that Nintendo owes us an apology for this travesty. But at least I finally got to talk, right? Right? Babies!
The choice of image is highly amusing.